The Beacon of Light Tour: A Road Trip to Recovery
Sunday, June 26th, 2011
When I first got the news that I was done with chemo, I was so excited to finally move on with my life, back to business as usual. But, the realization that my life will never be back to business as usual hit me like a truck. For the rest of my life, I will always be faced with the fact that my cancer could return.
According to the American Cancer Society, “A woman with cancer in one breast has a 3- to 4-fold increased risk of developing a new cancer in the other breast. The relapse rate for patients diagnosed with Stage I breast cancer is 20 to 30 percent and about 75 percent of recurrences will occur within five years of diagnosis. Research also suggests that tumors that over express the growth-promoting protein made by the HER2 gene, present in 25–30 percent of invasive breast cancer tumors, tend to behave aggressively and be more likely to recur.” And when breast cancer metastasizes, it tends to go to the bones and the brain.
I absolutely, under no circumstance, want to find myself sitting in that big overstuffed lazy boy chair hooked up to another chemo bag again. Never ever ever again!
So to avoid a recurrence, it is very clear to me that living my life just as I did before I was diagnosed with cancer would fall into Einstein’s definition of insanity.
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.” So, simply stated, if I don’t want my cancer to return, I must do things differently, I must change.
But what exactly do I need to do differently? What do I need to change?
Breast cancer is a tricky thing. It is caused by so many factors, the first and foremost, genetics. This I cannot change. But there are environmental and psychological factors that I do have control over such as the food I eat and the thoughts I think. I can take supplements, exercise, meditate, and change my negative thought patterns and feelings. Louise Hay, spiritual healer and cancer survivor, says cancer is anger and deep resentment that eats away at you from the inside out. Get rid of anger, get rid of cancer.
It seems pretty straightforward, doesn’t it? Just change what you eat, exercise more and control your thoughts. Ha! I liken it to learning to play the guitar at age 40. It looks easy enough until you realize your fingers are set in their ways and there is no way you can get that pinky to the seventh fret, your skin is tender resulting in painful calluses, holding a pick is awkward and your brain can’t figure out the up, down, up patterns. Simply put, it is much harder than it looks.
My friend April yelled at me the other day (again). She yelled at me because she loves me. She said something like this. Deanne, I know you hear me but you are not listening. You need to take time to heal yourself. It should be your number one job, priority above and beyond everything else. This is cancer you are dealing with, not some flu bug. I know you want to be there for your family. You cook, clean, home school and drive them around everywhere but at what cost? Your life? That’s pretty darn expensive. It is time to let go, to lessen your load. Your kids are growing up. They are old enough to take on more responsibilities. It’s better to not be available to drive them to a play date than to not be available to drive them at all.
I get it April, you are right. I tend to put my family before my health. I admit it. If my plane depressurized and the oxygen mask dropped in front of my face, my knee jerk reaction would be to put the mask on Maggie first. I know that the so called experts say to put the oxygen mask on yourself first so that you can assist your child before passing out into oblivion, but it goes against my instinct. I simply was not raised that way.
Somewhere in my lifetime while growing up, I got the message that it is “ok” to sacrifice myself for everyone else. In fact, it is not only “ok” it’s considered a good thing. That’s what good moms do. Of course, I would push my kids out of the way of a speeding car to save their lives even if it meant certain death for me. What mother wouldn’t? But sacrificing your life to save your kid from a speeding car is a little different than forgoing yoga because I have to cook dinner. Or is it?
Have you seen the recent study about women’s life span in America? A report in women’s health states that, “Women in large swaths of the U.S. are dying younger than they were a generation ago, reversing nearly a century of progress in public health.”
I will not be a part of the swath of women dying at an earlier age than our parent’s generation. I absolutely will not!
So, how does one teach an old dog a new trick? How do I learn to balance my responsibilities, mainly taking care of my family with taking care of myself? How do I learn to put my oxygen mask on first? I get it in theory, but how do I apply it?
Well, in Deanne style, I have a crazy ass plan.
I plan to embark on a whirlwind tour around the country with my daughter in the fall, a “road trip” to recovery if you will. I am on a mission to find new and better ways to live, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I consider this a turning point in my life, a time to re-direct my focus and come up with a plan for my second half of life. Like Dave Grohl sings in his song “Walk” I am learning to walk again and hope to be an inspiration or “beacon of light” (yes, this also refers to my bald head) to others that may need to do the same. I am calling it “The Beacon of Light Tour: A Road Trip to Recovery.”
Do you know that I get anywhere between 800 and 1,500 views a month on this blog from friends, family and strangers from all over the world, including over 30 states and 25 countries? People from England, India, Russia, Germany and Israel read my blog on a regular basis. During my tour, I hope to visit many of you, my dear readers. This is my way of thanking you for your kind words and support. Even if you have stayed quiet, knowing you are out there following my journey is enough to keep me writing.
And the best part about this tour, I plan to take all of you with me on my road trip to recovery. Since we can’t all fit in my car, I will blog about my adventures, including all the new things that I have learned along the way, the people that I meet and the wisdom I gain. It seems pretty silly to keep all that knowledge and wisdom to myself.
So, how does one avoid slipping back into business as usual? How does one stop the insanity of doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?
We change our course, one step at a time.
We create our own road, one mile at a time.
First stop, Arizona!
See you on the road!
