I am Durwood
Sunday, October 23rd, 2011
I had a bit of an existential crisis this past week. My very foundation was shook with the death of a friend, Andrew Ferrell. Drew, one of my biggest cheerleaders (without the skirt), was diagnosed with testicular germ cell cancer about the same time I was diagnosed with breast cancer. He lost his battle.
Or did he? As Lance Armstrong said about Steve Jobs recently, “Steve, like every football coach who ever lived, didn’t lose his battle, he just ran out of time.”
We all run out of time at one point or another. That is life.
And, death.
But, can we defy the fates? I admit I have been trying. I guess I watched too many Bewitched episodes growing up. I always wanted to be Samantha, a beautiful immortal witch that could clean her house, jet off to Paris and walk thru doors with a twitch of her nose. Who would want to be Darrin, or Durwood as his mother in-law called him, a mere measly mortal who has to use the door knob to get thru doors?
I came face to face with my own mortality this week with Drew’s death and I realized that I am scared shitless. I am desperately trying to control my circumstances and somehow trick the fates. I guzzle 32 ounces of green juice daily, work out at the gym, partake in dry rubs and daikon leaf baths, eat whole grains and huge organic salads and take my Omega 3’s and Vitamin D, so my cancer will not come back. It is a full time job and it is exhausting!
And to top it off, I am worried that I am so busy juicing, I am forgetting to live life fully.
Just the other night Casey’s band, “Mother Function” performed at a huge “Not Quinceanera Party”. It was a meeting of Mexican Catholics and Irish Catholics. So you can imagine Guinness and Tequila flowing generously. There was a group of 40 something year olds in the kitchen doing tequila shots. Typically, I would be the first one to partake. Not this time. There are studies that show a connection between alcohol and breast cancer.
Why do I do this day after day? Why do I drink gallons of green stuff, spend exorbitant amounts of mula on supplements and believe alcohol is Satan?
So I don’t die. Fear of death does this to a person.
A problem arises however when the fear of death keeps you from living. Like Adi Da Samraj says in his book, “Easy Death”, “You will live in either one of two ways. One is the usual round of obsession, fear, and seeking — in which the egoic self is the actor and the meaning of the drama. The other is the way of unlimited intelligence, love, freedom, spontaneity, and infinite happiness.”
Shakespeare understood this dilemma as well in Hamlet’s famous soliloquy, “To be or not to be, that is the question.”
The answer to this question is easy but walking the talk is a bit more difficult.
But, no matter how difficult, I cannot live my life in fear. The constant job of juicing, “because if I don’t I may die”, is a very heavy burden to live with.
So, it is time for me to let go of fear, relinquish control and start living again. Instead of juicing, because if I don’t I may die, I will juice because it makes me feel good. Instead of running every day because it is proven to increase our life span, I will exercise because it is my happy drug. I will do dry rubs because it makes my skin soft. I will take my vitamin D because I am low in vitamin D. I will take Daikon leaf baths because………well maybe this one can go. And, I will limit tequila shots because it makes me feel like shit the next day. Key word here, limit.
Letting go, having some fun and enjoying life is just as important as my green goddess juice. Actually, I am coming to the conclusion that it is more important. As Shelby, Julia Roberts’ character in Steel Magnolias said, “I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.”
Drew died way too young but I am certain he had thirty minutes of wonderful.
I will miss Drew’s inspirational words, like “You rawk Deanne” as I am getting ready for a second reconstruction surgery scheduled for this Tuesday. But, I know in my heart he will be cheering me on from above! Maybe even in a cute little skirt. I bet you can wear anything you want up there.
As for my own mortality, I am working on accepting this fact. Whether I like it or not, I am Durwood, along with the other 7 billion people on this planet, a mere mortal, relying on my own wits, family and friends to help me get through doors.
So, to be or not to be, I choose to “be” god dam it!